Spinning into Clarity

When I have too many decisions laid out before me, I’ll admit it, I kind of freak. I spin. The overwhelm becomes paralyzing. I don’t know to describe it other than feeling like I might just short circuit, smoke rising from my tangled wires. It’s just not something my brain/heart handles well.

Right now I am trying to get a clear vision of things I want for 2015. Projects I’ll pursue, plane tickets I’ll buy, people I’ll prioritize, pipe dreams I’ll declare not that zany after all. It’s pretty wide open, and it’s so exciting, and I KNOW I’m so blessed to have the options, the resources, the people…this freedom.

(And this is all to say, too, that I know that—ultimately—I don’t have control over the big picture anyway. If this past year has taught me anything, it’s that life is as unpredictable as the sky is blue. The best-laid plans often get derailed by beyond-our-control circumstances, and—on the opposite end—amazing, unscripted additions can evolve that hadn’t blipped on the radar screen at all.)

Anyway, this past week, instead of feeling excited about the mostly-blank canvas sitting before me, calming awaiting my first brushstrokes, all this mental sorting, envisioning and possibility has had me feeling a bit cranky and pretty anxious. And while I’m not exactly sure WHAT lies at the root of all that, I am trying to be patient with my wily emotions, trusting that the clarity will come.

***

In a tarot card reading I had done last year, the friend-of-a-friend in charge gently (yet passionately) encouraged me to “be big”….to “be bold.” To flaunt my me-ness. Something resonated.

I’m coming for you, 2015. I’m still on the sidelines warming up, but I’ll be there soon.

Photo by Corinne Whiting

Photo by Corinne Whiting

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” | Marianne Williamson

Advertisements

Wading through it, again

On occasion I worry that my blog is too cheery. I find I mostly write at times when all feels hunky-dory, when I’m high on life or feeling particularly motivated and inspired. Well today, despite the bright blue skies and holiday weekend vibe, none of these are the case.

(I’m also aware that I write about certain topics vaguely, usually opting for privacy, and am forever wary of exposing too much. But today I feel vulnerable and raw anyway, so here it is…the cold, hard truth.)

This morning I’m quite sad and a bit bruised. I know I’ll be fine, that I’ll get up and dust myself off again, but I am currently wading through the day with a sour gnawing in the pit of my stomach. My heart is heavy; my head spins.

The truth of the matter is:

~sometimes a really good cry arrives in a mall’s food court bathroom stall, where the smooth jazz playing overhead (nearly, but not quite) makes you laugh at the pathetic absurdity of the scene

~sometimes vision board images and formerly helpful quotations need to be covered up because the supposed “meaning” of it all feels like a big frickin’ joke

~sometimes the pain mixes with relief because the gut is exhausted from holding the truth

~sometimes I feel too far away from the people I love

~sometimes I worry that, one of these times, I won’t know how to get up and dust myself off

~sometimes I need to compose emails I may or may not ever send

~sometimes I sense the Universe trying to apologize for/soften the big blow I’m about to receive (like yesterday’s Southwest free drink coupon and the showering of flattering compliments from a friendly air steward)

~sometimes I am sick already of always waiting for (almost expecting) the other shoe to drop. Am I incapable of just believing that a good thing is actually a really good thing? Must I overthink and compensate and smother and not just trust?

~sometimes I wonder how much of it is really my thoughts that manifest the outcomes (and then I beat myself up about this…and then I feel badly for beating myself up about this…not a healthy cycle, I know)

~sometimes I am just plain tired of feeling like I’m bumping into little obstacles every direction I turn. I am keeping perspective, and in the grand scheme, they’re nada. Silly hiccups. But right now, I’m tired.

~sometimes I wonder what it is about sunny Memorial Day weekends in my recent memory that insist on being filled with loneliness, sad and hurt? Whatever happened to carefree beach jaunts and BBQ ragers??

I stumbled upon this post by one of my favorite bloggers this morning. The timing is simply perfect.

Wishing you all wonderful holiday weekends. Earlier I went on a lake run, seeking clarity and perhaps a little peace. What I found was a slow and steady pace and a ladybug who attached herself to my turquoise yoga pants. I guess I’ll take whatever I can get today.

So that’s me uncensored today. Thinking of everyone else out there who might also be craning to find the warmth of the sun.

(*My family trip to Arizona this past week was really lovely (grateful!!). I feel badly for putting that on the back burner, but I promise that photos from that reunion are soon to come…)