Spinning into Clarity

When I have too many decisions laid out before me, I’ll admit it, I kind of freak. I spin. The overwhelm becomes paralyzing. I don’t know to describe it other than feeling like I might just short circuit, smoke rising from my tangled wires. It’s just not something my brain/heart handles well.

Right now I am trying to get a clear vision of things I want for 2015. Projects I’ll pursue, plane tickets I’ll buy, people I’ll prioritize, pipe dreams I’ll declare not that zany after all. It’s pretty wide open, and it’s so exciting, and I KNOW I’m so blessed to have the options, the resources, the people…this freedom.

(And this is all to say, too, that I know that—ultimately—I don’t have control over the big picture anyway. If this past year has taught me anything, it’s that life is as unpredictable as the sky is blue. The best-laid plans often get derailed by beyond-our-control circumstances, and—on the opposite end—amazing, unscripted additions can evolve that hadn’t blipped on the radar screen at all.)

Anyway, this past week, instead of feeling excited about the mostly-blank canvas sitting before me, calming awaiting my first brushstrokes, all this mental sorting, envisioning and possibility has had me feeling a bit cranky and pretty anxious. And while I’m not exactly sure WHAT lies at the root of all that, I am trying to be patient with my wily emotions, trusting that the clarity will come.

***

In a tarot card reading I had done last year, the friend-of-a-friend in charge gently (yet passionately) encouraged me to “be big”….to “be bold.” To flaunt my me-ness. Something resonated.

I’m coming for you, 2015. I’m still on the sidelines warming up, but I’ll be there soon.

Photo by Corinne Whiting

Photo by Corinne Whiting

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” | Marianne Williamson

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A Whole Stream

[Pit stop @ Zillah, WA]

[Pit stop @ Zillah, WA]

“….the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.” ~WH Murray

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wacky Wednesday

It’s a weird week. Many people I know are vacationing in wonderful places down south, and I miss them. This is more solo time than I’ve had in eons, and it has had its ups and downs. With some big decisions and next steps hanging in the balance, it’s a tricky time to feel alone. (On some level all the solitude is probably good too, though.)

This week I’ve consumed buckets of tea and caught up on many a-Netflix and long distance calls. I conducted a weird phone interview. I sent some weird story pitches. I find myself seeking words of wisdom and inspiration any place I can. (But then I get bored with myself, with all this seriousness. Ay yi yi! Where’s the lightness and laughing and fun?? I seemed to have misplaced those temporarily….)

Sunday night I had vivid dreams about wild winds; I woke up to a text Monday morning from my mom warning me of high gusts headed this way. The weather here yesterday was nothing short of bizarre: fluctuating between brilliant sun and fast-falling snow and accented with a freak, mid-afternoon power outage (ack, with no flashlights in sight!).

There have been highlights too, like a Guster-gone-acoustic concert Monday night and burritos & sangria anoche at one of my favorite Cap Hill eateries.

Truth be told, visions of blossoms and blue skies back east are tugging at my heart strings this week, but I’m reminding myself to be patient (in more ways than one). I find myself longing to be in Austin or Buenos Aires or anywhere sunny and carefree, bustling and full of flavor.

So in an attempt to become a less kooky and a little more balanced, here’s something inspiring:

And something fun, an interview with my man Sean from LS (I love when really, really  talented people also happen to be really quality people:)):

Happy Wacky Wednesday, y’all. Please soak up some sun, eat an ice cream and sip a tropical cocktail on my behalf!

H20, repeat

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”~ Erica Jong

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Depending where I am in the decision-making process, I talk about it with no one or with everyone.

This week I’ve been a bit sick, part of me thinks I maybe made myself ill with so much stressin’ last week (not good, C) so I’m currently taking it easy and allowing myself more breathing space than I sometimes do.

Long walks and waterside sits have been the name of the game. It doesn’t hurt that the weather has been FANtastic. Today I’m sitting out in a tshirt!

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Where do you go to drown out the background noise and to still your mind?

(Could the sunset scene on Lake Union punctuated by rowers’ silhouettes atop the placid water be more stunning? I don’t think so…Never gets old for me:))

Me Vs. The Gut

From time to time, I get mad at my gut. I want things to feel right that just don’t. Sometimes it involves situations, other times people. Logically speaking–these things, these connections, these projects, these whatever they are–for all intents and purposes, they should work. So why don’t they then?

The gut can’t always know, can it??

When I first come to this realization, I often feel disappointed and let-down. I want to fight it. An inexplicable sadness descends; I’m inclined to cower inside my shell. (It’s as if I’m mourning the loss of something that never even was.) I waver in an uncomfortable zone of confused indecisiveness. And limbo-land, we’ve all learned, is never a nice place to visit.

I know that not everyone can relate to this, perhaps only us ultra-sensitive souls. (Maybe it’s my two Pisces fish forever swimming in opposite directions:)?) To some, life is more clear-cut. If something isn’t working, if it doesn’t feel right, then why on earth do it? Pull the plug; cut it off; move on. No big whoop.

For those of us in the other camp, it’s a bit less definitive. Just know that we’re trying.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned up till now, it’s that guts don’t lie. And you can force and finagle and make do all you want, and perhaps it’ll work for awhile. It’ll probably be fine, maybe it’ll even be good.

But in the end, the gut always wins. Things that felt “off” snowball into feeling, well, awfully “off.” And arriving at that place is not something I wish upon anyone.

So it’s simple, right? I should just learn to listen to that trusty gut early on. I’m getting there. Slowly.

** “Listen to the whispers and you won’t have to hear the screams.”~Cherokee proverb (often reiterated by our gal Oprah)

Decisions

Another day, another coffee shop. Hunkered down and immersed in cherry blossom writing, dreaming of sun and petals and the promise of spring. But alas, it’s quite gray and drizzly out there, and I shudder to remember that winter has  just barely begun.

Yesterday, at least, we got these delicious rays. What a treat!

This week I’m working on getting re-inspired and refocused on some priorities I’ve let fall to the wayside. I’m reading this book The Art of Non-Conformity (thanks, Martin, for the rec!) and really enjoying the simple yet powerful message. It reminds me to feel pride for some big steps I’ve already taken, for decisions I, somewhere along the way, already made. (Sometimes I look back, and it all feels a blur. Did I really do this? Do I really live here?! Que? )

I may feel frustrated and far from the “end goal” on certain days, but it’s important to keep in mind that this is all part of the journey-the good, the bad, the ugly…the coffee shops, the dreary days, the Euro beats, the Google docs, the smiles from strangers, the emptier-than-I’m-used-to-calendar, the little victories, the awkward stumbles, the vastness of this great unknown. It’s all unbelievably exciting, really.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearful you will make one.~Elbert Hubbard