Fighting Change Since 1979

Sometimes it’s realllly annoying when the Universe keeps throwing lessons at you that you know you need to learn. (Yeah yeah yeah, I get it already.)

My favorite yoga teacher is leaving my studio, and I feel absolutely gutted about this announcement. (I’ve feared it for a long time, actually, and deep down I worry that I squash out things I rely on/cling to too much.) And because of this, I know there is a greater lesson in this all. As one smart friend consoled, “Change is hard. I’m pretty sure that’s why we do yoga.”

I know my devastation might sound silly/overly dramatic to those who don’t *get* it, but to me, C is so much more than an instructor of yoga. She is a wise guru, a sage mentor, a steady constant in times of flux and unknown. Her classes are my therapy on some days, my church on others.

And I know that life is all about change and transitioning and evolving and growing, but man is this lesson hard to live out time and again. So I’m just going to sulk over here for a wee while longer. But don’t worry, I’ll adjust, adapt, re-acclimate. After all, we always do. (What’s the alternative?)

IMG_1429

Advertisements

Thankful November: Day 6

Day 6 * I’m thankful for: YOGA. My favorite, wise, funny, playful instructors & my beloved studio—a warm, inviting space even when, outside, the rains pelt & the winds howl. Steadiness and strength and community even (especially) in the midst of semi-off-kilter days & weeks.

Halloween happenings with the lovely yogini Jessica.

Halloween happenings with the lovely yogini Jessica.

Cattywampus

My favorite yoga teacher loves to say “cattywampus.” It cracks me up every time. Today throughout class, I heard her voice (in my head) echoing this word repeatedly. It seems an apt way to sum up my balance this week upon re-entry.

Do you ever recognize how the outside world mirrors your internal world, especially when you’re feeling a wee bit off-kilter? Well, I’ve been feeling somewhat out of whack for a little bit now (some nagging health annoyances, etc.), and, after last night’s near-catastrophic spill down a ZARA escalator, I have some bloody teeth mark indentations on my bruised shin to prove it. OY. (And OUCH.)

photo (41)

The slip/catch wasn’t overly dramatic—few people saw it, and not even my retail-happy +1 realized how much pain I was in. The army of servers continued to dole out flutes of champagne and mini-apps (hello, model-sized bites), while I tried to conceal the throbbing in my leg, collecting myself to get outta there ASAP. But the irony of the (dumb) injury at this chic “VIP” event did make me laugh (through hard-fought tears). I’m sure there’s a lesson in such surreal situations somewhere.

(*The evening was otherwise fun, but soooo not my scene. The people watching proved surprising and fantastic. I couldn’t stop asking: Where DID all these Seattle fashionistas come from?? Not a flannel or puffy coat to be found…)

So that’s my sad tale of going cattywampus at a fancy-shmancy ZARA opening to-do. Here’s to better balance in the days to come!

(And THANK YOU to loved ones who rescue me in such times of need:) Admittedly, I often have a hard time asking for help, but sometimes it is absolutely necessary. Thank you.)

photo (42)

Home x2

I know I’ve written on this topic before, but I realize that, two-plus years in, I am still very much learning how to navigate the tango of having two places I whole-heartedly call “home.” I am the first to admit I am still figuring out how to gracefully move through the steps of this dance—of taking the now-me back to the place where the then-me lived for so much of her life.

Home home can be complicated. So much of it is cozy and comfortable and indulgent and love-filled (reunions galore!), and I am so grateful to have “problems” like not knowing how to fit in quality time with so many people there whom I love. Even so, it’s a (sometimes draining) juggling act, especially for someone who hates to ever feel as though they’re letting anyone down.

Home can also sneak-attack upon you a lot of old “stuff.” It’s frighteningly easy to fall back into old patterns, old roles. It’s all so familiar, sometimes I swear I could hop on the orange line back to my N Street apartment; for fleeting moments, I forget I have built an entire life out here waiting for my return. It’s odd. I see things with new eyes—a bit differently now, and I can relate to certain things/mentalities/customs/etc. even less than I could two years back.

Plus, with each visit, it is inevitable that I realize some people I love so much are thriving and doing wonderfully. Others are working through rocky patches, going through tough transitions, slightly floundering…. I know that this is normal. This is life. But I prefer when all is peachy-keen. (I am a Pisces, after all:)) And even though I know logically that my physical distance makes no-to-little difference on everyone’s current happiness, it is hard to feel removed from it…from them. At times, I feel guilty for being so dang far.

That said, parts of this past visit were really, really great, and I’ll try to post some of those photos soon!

But tonight, I’m cozily tucked into my apartment, which is warmly lit by the teeny-tiny, fake alpine tree I bought today at Fred Meyer and is making me very, very happy. (The little things!)

photo-621

I am really super excited to have my parents heading out here in only two weeks, and I am content after a day filled with some of my ideal neighborhood staples (a warm welcome back from my yoga community, pho with one of my Seattle BFFs, a stroll through the Sunday Fremont Fair). Today, I began to feel much more settled in.

photo-622
Last night I saw a concert in an amazing setting, St. Mark’s Cathedral perched on Capitol Hill high above the lake dotted with twinkling boats. It was chilly in the church, and at first, I was feeling a bit disoriented and jet-lagged and “off.” But overall, the night was really special; I heard some stunning voices echoing throughout this beautiful space, as I sat sandwiched between some of my most favorite Seattle people.

And I thought, “Yes. This is a good, good home.”

photo-623

*yoga*

More and more, I’m a believer!

(One day soon, I’ll tell you about the kooky cast of characters that comprises my favorite class and how these fellow yogis have become  such an important community for me here. Whodathunkit?)

529206_10151391012322756_68024253_n

p*a*t*h

Don’t worry about losing your way. If you do, pain will remind you to find your path again. Joy will let you know when you are back on it.~Martha Beck

IMG_0551

For whatever reason, I’ve lost my way this week. (So soon after your amazing, lucky Irish adventure, you ask? Yes, I know… I know.)

It’s been a tough one. A few fun gatherings have happened, some good things are falling into place, the flowers have popped, the sun has shone, and yet…Yet.

I’ve just felt off (physically and mentally). I’ve been swimming upstream—fighting the current, fighting myself, fighting what is. It’s been absolutely exhausting.

So I’ve gone back to my arsenal—yoga, family, amazing friends, long emails and phone chats full of wise & patient counsel, long walks, culture doses, healthy eating, brainless trash TV, the sage words (read and re-read) of some of my favorite bloggers and authors. I’m getting there. I’m surfacing. I’m looking more at the root of it all—which is hard. I guess we just have to believe that each time we dive a little deeper into the dark, we’ll emerge a little higher into the light— more in line with where we ultimately want to be.

The ebbs and flows, eh?

Here’s something/someone who never fails to bring me joy:)

 

Thursday Thankful Things

photo-280

Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.~Soren Kierkegaard

Thursday gratefuls:

~Full nights of sleep
~The music of Of Monsters & Men
~Sore yoga muscles
~Seeing new things in familiar spaces
~A full tea cupboard
~Fun mail in the post
~Cowboy hats in unexpected places
~My trusty circle of daily correspondents
~Stranger smiles
~Trail mix and dangerously good chocolate-sprinkled granola
~Planning outdoor weekend adventures
~Artwork that speaks to you, even when you’re not quite sure why
~Quirky sites like longboarders carrying multiple cups of takeaway coffee
~The omnipresent vibrant, puffy down jackets of the Pacific NW

What sights/sounds/tastes are catching your attention these days?

Previous Older Entries